I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Randomize
