dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
