her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
