I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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