Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
My underwear smells like fireworks.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize