Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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