you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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