So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
