I have demons in me.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
