She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
