I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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