I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize
