also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
