My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
