You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
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