My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
