Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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