i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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