I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
