I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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