Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Someone signed my nipple.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
