Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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