Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
it's not cheating when I paid for it
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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