I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
