He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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