her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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