I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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