today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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