the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
