Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
