Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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