saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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