I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
