I saw his package. It spoke to me.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Even the bartender felt bad for me
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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