In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize