The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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