So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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