3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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