Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
