do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Randomize
