I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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