I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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