he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
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