does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
