Your favorite bartender is back from prision
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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