It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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