I CAN MOONWALK!
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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