I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
