I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
