Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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