Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
