Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
