I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Randomize
