I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
