she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Randomize
