Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
