My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
