god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
