I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
BRING THE BAGELS
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
