Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Randomize
