I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I AM VODKA MAN
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
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