I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
