so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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