we made out on top of his cat.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
