I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Randomize
