The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
