some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
