I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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