you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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