I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
